Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Anger & Frustration!!

First of all, let me say that this blog isn't dead...it's just been in a bit of a slump...or a coma. My life, on the other hand, has been a crazy whirlwind of chaos over the past few weeks. I took my Master's comps last week, which were a HUGE source of stress, and the stress is still lingering as I try to get a time set up for my oral defense. Between studying for the comps and trying to get all my other school stuff done, I haven't had a lot of time to invest in myself, much less working out.

I hadn't been too concerned about my lack of gym time because I had steadily been losing weight over the past weeks. It wasn't a lot of weight, but it was enough to make me feel good about myself. However, that changed when I got on the scale yesterday and had gained 3 pounds. I. Was. Mad.

I wasn't mad at the scale.

I wasn't mad at the number.

Heck, I wasn't even mad at those pesky 3 pounds.

I was mad at myself. I had let myself down. I can't blame anyone but myself (and maybe some Valentine's candy...yeah, I definitely blame the candy).

I'm the one that wouldn't drag my butt to the gym or even pop in a workout DVD. How bad is it when I won't even workout in the comfort of my own living room?! And when I do go to the gym, it seems that another piece of equipment is broken. (For those of you keeping count, now we've got 2 broken ellipticals and a busted treadmill!) It's all just so frustrating!

This time, losing weight has been so hard. That's not to say that it was easy to lose it the first time, but at least I was able to commit to it then. I was so hell-bent on losing weight the first time, and now I seem to have lost my desire. I feel like have been waving the white flag of surrender without even putting up much of a fight... and that makes me angry too!

So now, here I am: just a few pounds lighter and mad as hell. I've got to get my head on straight. I've got to do this, even when I'm not motivated. I've got to do this for me. I've got to do this for my future. I've seen what doing nothing does to my body. A few short weeks ago when I started this blog, I was at the heaviest I've ever been in my life. It's a scary number that I never ever want to see again.

I know that Lent is still a little ways away, but I already know what I'm going to give up this year (and no, it's not brussel sprouts, like I normally do). I'm giving up laziness. After all, laziness is what it all boils down to for me. I'm going to get more active. I'm going to find creative ways to work activity into my day. I'm going to do better because I have to. I don't want to be fat forever. I'm tired of my clothes not fitting. I'm tired of getting out breath while I'm tying my shoes. I'm tired of feeling like a prisoner in my own body. I'm tired of being unhappy with my body.

Another major motivation for me is that Jackie and I have decided that we aren't going to even think about having kids until we both get in shape. We've set that as a goal for ourselves, not to make us lose weight faster so we can start trying, but as a way to invest in ourselves so that we can become better parents one day.

I know that I'll probably never have 6-pack abs or bulging biceps, but I can have a flatter belly and more toned arms. I don't have to have the body of a god; but I do want a body that God will be proud of.

I'm a firm believer that my body is a temple, and it's high time I treat it as such.

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